CUTTING THREADS

(Richie)


i didn’t need a band aid
i never really got in a good cry
i immediately got introspective
i got serious
and i asked a lot of why’s

i didn’t have poetry
cuz i didn’t have a muse
i didn’t have articulation
of what i gained
of what i losed

cutting strings
yet threads
still hold on
fragile
like memories
or pretty songs

i question
less out of insecurity
and more
out of pride
did you really
ever care
or was this
a diary entry
you’d rather hide

i surprised
myself
with the ability
to attach
emotion
when it
has been out of
my grasp
coldly
in tune
if i follow
my writings
i never
assumed it
would last

there was always
hesitation
there was always
darkness
tinging a
‘perfect’ night
there was always
something
unsettling
in how
when you left
things didn’t
feel right

like i was
a party
an
event
a thing to
fit in
for the week
but all
i wanted:
a companion,
affection,
i didn’t
need
definition
for the heat

life is
full
with friends
but
i was
into
unique intimacy
we did
the clean break
but
you left
parts of
you
inside of me

and now i
am just cutting threads
but their fibers
want to issue
some resistance
you let
me cut, cut
cut
until
i no longer
have any insistence
to feel anything
at all

DEFINITION OF LOVE.

(Richie)

Love.
It’s the kind of word when spoken for the first time,
that you can never take back.
It’s the line that once crossed has immediate ramifications.
It can prompt unity
or push imbalance...

Maybe there is truth in my Chinese sign...
the Fire Dragon.
There is no middle ground with me.
And I use my awareness of the significance of language,
of the power behind words,
to create change
by pushing them out
or holding them in.
Sometimes silence is just as equally adept
at pushing for closure.

When I told him “I love you,”
I knew that I believed it.
And I knew that my definition or the attachment I had to it,
was more complicated than I would ever let on.
I fought to hold on...
but I was also too tired of fighting for something
that the other didn’t believe in.
I just knew I had to use that word
to drive a clean break that would at least end
with him knowing his significance.

I mean, is it imaginable
that you can come to a definition of love
by going through a path as carnal as sex?
The old me would have never have thought so.
I would have seen it as the stereotypical gay man’s inability
to be intimate with someone on a cerebral or emotional level.
And to push the rewards of the physical.
And yet here I am,
experiencing a surprising rush of love
that is as confusing as it was simple for me.

To be as exhibitionistic as I am,
and to have little qualms in displaying my body
with confidence and pride now...
there is an intrinsic part of me
that wants to respect it
in ways I never did before.
It sounds contradictory...
to enjoy flaunting it and receiving attention
but then not wanting to give it away without conscience...

So this newfound closure
is a relief as much as it a painful loss...
Relief in that the struggle between
is this going to last tomorrow or not
is now off the table...
And a profound loss
because my definition of this love
was the sexual intimacy I was able to come to
and trust...
It had become a channel for experimentation
and as weird as all of it sounds,
it is the greatest loss at this point.

Which circles back to the use of the word love.
I use it daily with my family, friends, and even my co-workers.
Sometimes I just call someone to say I love you.
But I intuitively knew it was a loaded word.
And by throwing it out,
despite the context behind it,
I was basically closing the curtain
on my definition of love
and having to walk away from someone
who had been my creative muse
as much as he was a touchstone
for friendship and exploration.

GOODBYE

.Richie.

one hand around me
while the other hand
pushes me away
one kiss is wet
while the other
regrets it stayed

this is not an obligation
this is a gift
this is something special
you are fucking with

i can’t go
from being special
to jus being
normal, babe
i got too
much
invested
too much i gave

if you ask me
how i am doin
i am goin
to tell you the truth
i am tore up
i am conflicted
i hurt
for what i stand to lose
but i
can’t go
straight to normal
when special
is what it is with you

having to say
goodbye
because you can’t
see something
special
in your grasp
having to say
goodbye
because fireworks
have yet
to blast
having to say
goodbye
because
you don’t
think this
can last

you should be
askin yourself
why
you would let
me go
instead
of putting this
in a box
you readily know
with
some risk
there is a chance
this can grow
or
it could
be a
disaster
i dunno
but it’s
better
than having
to say goodbye
i think
you need
to start
asking
new questions
why...

why would you want to say goodbye now?

UNLEASHED: CONTEXT

.Richie.

If I look back at my life, it is broken into very discreet identities.
Almost like i have been many different persons throughout different lifestages.

Everything is marked by some kind of extreme change...
Leaving family.
Leaving organized religion.
Moving to a different coastline.
To another coastline.
Leaving the country.
Again
and again.

The "trauma" behind these changes push me to evolve.
And who I am now is rapidly changing this year.
Almost like each month, something different manifests.
The way I live is matching up with who I am inside.
Bolder. Taking more risks. Open to experimentation. Still sensitive but a real man.

The word "unleashed" came up last night when conversing with Rio.
And I grabbed onto it.
Because that is how I feel.
I feel a bit ferocious. Hungry. Still chill but intense. Definitive in who I am and what I want and will take.
It's really fucking cool.
But I am learning that not everyone you had as a friend will always support the evolved you...
And it's sad.
But it's life.

I want people in my life I can love full on as myself.

UNLEASHED

Dedicated to R.U.
.Richie.


i am reborn
the old
had to end
some people
jus could not
contend
it was a situation
i could never win
as much as
i’m blessed
by grace
i thrive in sin

unleashed
i will make no
excuses
for
who i am
i will
not
change
i will NOT change
for any boy or man
take apart
me
but
fuckin’
know where i
stand

i was
compromised
by my
sensitivities
i surrounded
myself
by people
with insecurities
they did
not want me
to shine
or be bold
they wanted
me
quiet
a story
untold
but i have
thoughts
people will never
dream up
i have
passion
that overflows
every
fuckin’ cup

i am
unleashed
and no one
person
can contain me
this
is my
freedom
this
is my fuckin
legacy
the world
has not
even begun
to see
me
i
am tickled
by imagination
and controversy
so
many things
i have to say
that
people don’t
want to hear
i am
bored
with
the apathy
whispering
in my ear

individuals
who can’t schedule
what
is important
over the superficial
never
knowing
if this is real
or existential
it’s not
a state
of flee
or die
i jus’
see things
with
different eyes

i know
that i am
uncomfortable
in my
desire
to express
i am
as uncomfortable
as that murmur
in ur chest
erratic
hearbeat
goes
beat
beat
but
mine pounds
it pounds
the fuckin’
street
there is
nothing
here
nothing
that is
weak
this is
screaming
screaming
as i speak
i speak
i am
unleashed
take me
as i am
or
i will
not give
a damn
i will cut you out
as
soon as
i can
no good
is no good
for me
i will
cut you out
completely
get your fuckin’
priorities straight
straight up
respect me
i am unleashed
a powerful force
do not
fuckin’
protect me
recognize
there is
no one
quite like me
and know
that is
what
attracts you
to me
i am no
one’s
fucking type
i am not
old
i am
fucking ripe
bite into me
and taste
this meaty
flesh
i take
your head
i push
it against
my chest
my hearts
pounding
from
profound
unrest
like a
sinner
to a saint
find
your worst
and confess


i make
no
apologies
and
you have THIS
opportunity
to have me
this near
unleashed
i
will give
you everything
i will give
it all
without fear
but
i won’t
tolerate
a pussy
do you hear
see
my uniqueness
and fuckin
hold me
near
i
don’t stay
i won’t
stay
if
you are not
here.


get your priorities
straight.

PANDORA'S BOX

.Richie.


jealousy
is not havin’ faith
in what
you’ve got
tainted
imagination
only takes
one indiscreet
thought
i got
laid
with the time
we’ve bought
i trust
you
you are all
i’ve caught
hell
hath no fury
if it ain’t
what we
sought
this is
simple
chill
and
on the spot
i have
no intentions
other than
protectin’
what i got

this is gonna be
some powerful
shit
i got some explainin’
to do
you’re like black magic
my dark voodoo
i can’t shake off
how good it is
when i am wit you
my talisman
my special mark
like a fresh bite
against my skin
i am stained
by your
existence
when
a night
together ends
the waiting period
becomes
a question
i want to suspend
there’s
always another
night
to fall into
and pay
dividends
keep your
world
solid
and i will
keep a hold
of mine
privacy
respect
is
the we
age this
like a fine
wine
it’ll
jus
get bolder
richer
and more
complex
with time
right now
i jus
wanna hold
you close
we don’t
have
to whisper
“mine”

DIVIDED ATTENTIONS

.Richie.


i never needed you
i never needed your affection
i never needed your word
i never needed your protection
i never got that fucking shit anyways
so why even pursue that direction
i am in a state of want
if you have any other kind of impression
and the way you talk
your intelligence gives me
a mental erection
i think i could succumb
and let you play boss
and give me some fucking direction

you were
supposed
to just be
random, man
and yet
my attentions
are divided
and
you become
more compelling
the way you stand
you
hold your own
with me
you pass on
some
ridiculous energy
i know
there
are really unusual things
that you
wanna do
with me
as one hand
seems
to push me
further away
your hold
gets tighter
the longer
i let you stay
i didn’t
want this
to ever be this way
but it’s
what happens
when there’s
fire
and you let yourself play


we exchange energy
when we pass each other on the street
when we volley texts
when we hook on the occasions we meet
i was never a martyr
but i no longer have the energy
to push back on givin’ you what you want to eat
this bounty is yours
you were the more skilled hunter
and all of this
could be yours alone to keep
the other driver
had the car
but he was asleep
at the wheel
it's how
somethin’ good
gets itself
fuckin’ killed

and attentions get divided.

CUT YOU

.Richie.

when were you good for me
for ME
and not for US
when were you loving ME
when you broke
that physical trust
i gave this body
so naively
thinking
this completed us
that this sacred
transaction
transcended
unsustainable lust

now there’s no reason
there’s no reason to have any doubt
no purpose for you in my life
i think i’ll have to cut you out
i want to cut you
i want to cut you out
let my happiness
bleed you out
drip and cry
cry it out

this kiss
is a dagger
i want to ram
in your back
this smile
is like murder
with a plan
of attack
this word
is premeditated
and that
is a fact
you have
no hold
i do not
want you back

i say this with fucking anger
and i say it with laughter because i can
i find your whining pathetic
grow some balls
you’re a goddamn grown man
there is an age
where life with no purpose
is no longer a valid excuse
when lashing out
at those who supported you
illuminates what you will lose

this fuck
is not friendly
it’s a solemn
hit and run
these eyes
are not forgiving
they are
the barrel of my gun
this mouth
is violence in its sweetness
it is pink glass shards
sugar spun
and this novelty
that i called displaced anger
is my coming together
as you come undone


self absorbed
pity party
perros
is always feelin’ down
you look
for any ear
to hear your pitiful sound
but it’s always
gimme gimme
to whoever is around
when will you man up
and stop lickin’ the ground


if you think it’s too much
to handle my happiness
then i want you to go fuck yourself
till you bleed
if you find my strength
caused you resentment
then i will cut you out
and i will not for one moment grieve