haven.

i still believe that god put animals on the earth, so that we could learn more about our humanity... to even enhance our spirituality...

philosophy 205 was a semiotic moment for me.
i had to debate pro animal rights.
along the way, doing secondary research, i saw all of the animal testing...
how my favorite meat dish - veal scallopini - is borne...
and it changed me.
i went vegetarian without looking back.
it was a sacrifice.
i grew up meat and potatoes.
but i just thought to myself, how could i eat these innocent creatures?

now i am a carne-whore.
and it wasn’t something i took lightly.
but i knew to build my own strength, i needed more protein.
so i adopted a kind of native american approach to eating meat... in an odd way honoring the animals i ‘eat’ by being aware of what i am doing, what they are giving to me...
maybe its my own insane way of coping with my sensitivities...

anyways, my family dog... her name was Haven...
she passed away yesterday.
that would make her around 15 human years old...
she was a blonde cocker spaniel my dad bought for my mom...
and who quickly became MY dog.
i think i gravitate towards smaller, emotional dogs...
knowing they will attach to me,
as much as i will attach to them.

when my family would kick me out of the house for being gay,
and i’d return home after weeks staying somewhere else...
i remember how much solace she brought me.
how i would just go sit outside with her,
her in my lap, and just feel her love for me
and cry.
it was so unconditional....

when i left for university,
Haven got super fat.
she was so distraught with me leaving,
that she became an emotional eater...

she so easily personified human behavior,
in her own canine context...
and she was such a vessel for my love...
i was so cold and detached from my emotions at university...
because of trying to wrestle with bisexuality/homosexuality
and the loss of my religion and family as a result...
i just coped by being an icy individual...
very focused, very cold...
but with Haven,
when i would return home...
it was like i could thaw out.
i had a bond with her that no one could take from me.

and so now she has passed away.
and i have the same weird numbness hurting me...
that i carried when my granny passed away a few years ago...
i recognize a hole or vacuum has been created in her absence...
such a beautiful creature that was here on this earth,
that gave me unconditional love when i was broken...
that helped me heal and become a stronger man.

so yea, i just wanted to honor her...

renaissance.

( Richie )
I may live in Manhattan... I may love modern design... But I am a Renaissance man... Whose affections have transcended the limits of his lifetime... He has caught my imagination in ways I did not think were possible... Again.


I can not dream
of visions so far
from my fingertips
I did not think to imagine
what it would feel like
to taste your lips

But I find
that with you
this is untrue
In every challenge
I dream
more about you

I have an urge
to love you
with the intensity
of a raging sun
Inescapable lust
to hear your thoughts
every
single
one

And the more you push away
and the more you think I feel pain
the more i want you
in ways
that my words could not explain

Illogical
you haunt my existence
from day to night
I take the figments
and make them solid
and hold them tight

A Renaissance man
less a modern player
I am in pure in design
I held back
but my affections
grow fiercer in time
Let what was
unexpected
walk its fine line

faith.

"i am equally a fool for faith as i am a fool for love."


i believe in a god...
i must believe in more than me...
or life just feels bleak...
and with what intelligence i have been gifted,
i believe this unusual faith - for a gay man -
i know that it brings me peace...

i can’t say i am christian anymore...
because religion in itself never touched my soul.
but i do remember that walk home when i was 16...
going to pick up my comics at randy’s house...
and i felt what i alluded to as an ‘artists touch’
fall over me in an almost hush...
the hairs on my arms raised...
the chills running all over my body...
as i sensed something around me...
and i actually stopped and looked around me...
and thought to myself...
wow... look at this world around me...
each detail in nature,
so unique and divine in its structure
and its individuality...
anyone who knows me,
knows i am not a new age-y, nature type...
but in that memory, a semiotic marker was made...
and i believed in a god.

i have no idea what broke me tonight...
i sat down to finish a report i should have finished monday...
and this random song came on...
and everything about it, its beat, its lyrics...
moved me in such a profound way...
that i think everything i was running away from
caught up to me...

i am humbled by my arrogance...
my desire to be considered attractive...
my infatuations...
all of the elements i have been captivated by
that allowed me to escape the present realities...
the pain that is around me with family...
my own fears that i never share...
and the undercurrent of my own feelings of inadequacy...

these are random musings...
but i felt the artists touch again...
and i was reminded by the me that is truly me...
fuck what i project...
what am i physically molding...
because in the superficial...
i forsake my intelligence and spirit...
and i want people to really know me...

that is it... that’s the epiphany...
i want to be known...

fool for faith.

( richie )


i accept this resolution
this unsound peace
i raise my hands
and i drop to my knees
humbled by my arrogance
and control through procrastination
silenced by my one sided use
of intelligence through infatuation
i can not deny
i can not live this world with out faith
i have chills
and it is in the Artists touch i bring my face

i have taken my existence
for granted
my mental passport
taken, stamped it
one too many trips away
from the reality and the pain
one too many bad trips
that erase the testimony of my name
there is no unease or regret
in how unclean my soul reeks
because it is experience that shakes
and brings forward the beliefs i seek

a fool for faith
a fool for divinity
a fool for restlessness
all within me
a fool for faith
when my head is science
when my heart is poetic
when my spirit inhales silence

i can cry to heavens
as i lean out my skyscraper
i can pledge allegiance
to the murmurs of sacred papers
but in the end
i am foolish because i believe
i felt an Artist’s touch
and i had no need to see
i had been touched
and the faith rested within me
i had been humbled
and given back more than was ‘me’

grayed out.

( richie )

i just want
to love
not fall
in love
and there in
lies
the gray.

i sway to inner music
as the sun
french kisses
my skin
i step through emotions
as the heat
settles
in

it’s a summer day
but i am grayed out
he sees black and white
while i see fact with doubt
my emotions are clear
but they are also undefined
this is really serious
but it slides from my mind
into my right pocket
right over my heart
paradoxes...
how my light is drawn to his dark

trop mignon
you have a song
in my summer
in my summer gray
c’est facil
to lose myself
in the drama
of your everyday
it’s like a hummmm
and i hmmmm all the way
knowing logic is not present
when i begin to sway