( REGAINING CONSCIOUSNESS )

A close friend says: "I think it's human nature to gravitate towards what's comfortable. I think you were gravitating."

Logically, I know this...I use familiarity bias as an argument for why the world is lacking creativity and inventiveness....
I guess emotionally, I tune out the rational buzz in my ears for a while...

With Frankie just coming back into my life...it felt really good. Good to have him around the apartment. Good to have him interacting with my family. Good to feel completely myself around someone.

How abrupt life can be. Like a broken synapse...this unusual reconnection is cut short so soon. I found a hole in my gut reopened when I learned he was going to move back to L.A. this weekend. A familiar ache I had allowed to heal over. Kinda knocks the wind out of you... the sense of loss...

And perspective shifts. Bright days turn to darkness. And hope becomes supplanted with bitterness.

I remember in Greek mythology, the sisters of Fate toying with our destinies... and it feels poignant for myself.
Was I staging a reunion with Frankie? I don't think so. It felt different this time around. But it felt really good. It felt really good to not know where this was headed. To relinquish a design for the future, and to just go with it.

And now it's like the Fates decide to fuck with my new more mature and less controlling self...and they block that open path with geography... That intimacy can't be held onto when you're so far apart. I think I know that intuitively, even if I would tell anyone or a friend, that if their love resided in another continent they could still manage it.

So I guess what was poignant about the poem I wrote is that in these months where Frankie re-entered my world. I lost consciousness. The details of our past were thrown out the door, and I held onto the warm impressions... Like going into a cocoon, I was embracing a center of my universe that I can so easily fall into its gravitational pull.

And now as I regain consciousness, like coming out of surgery, it hurts bad. But the difference is, I am much different than I was before. And where there is pain, I must turn it into creativity and strength.

( LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS )

a great mind brought us consciousness
let’s take a breath
and lose it for a few hours
i think to forget to think
would be so unforgettable
in its sheer power

center of my gravity
you pull me in
no matter where
my heart has been
there is no beginning
to this end
i just feel
like giving back in

natural to hold a breath
and lose consciousness
i dare not question
this finite preciousness
i am a blank slate
a canvas of pure hope
and each time
it’s harder to cope

center of my gravity
pull me back in
you hold me too close
and i break and bend
lost and coming back
to the center
i always make it out
alive but not a winner

love is tender
love tends to prick
love is a drug
love makes me sick
lose my mind
to my heart
lose my vision
to the dark
in this moment
i find hope
i find broken dreams
more difficult to cope

and i hold
and hold
and hold on
this is us
this was us
now play our song
take me back
and pull me in
just another day more
feels more right
than wrong
like a familiar
blanket
wrapped around me
brings me security and peace
i slide back
and lose my logic
i am strength
buckling at its knees
so tender is the prick
spun out
left me sick