Spiritual Sexuality

I guess it's a topic I have been fascinated with,
ever since I came out in my late teens...
I was the president of my church youth group, grew up with Amy Grant as my spiritual hero,
and very much had a profound walk with faith in God.
And yet, I was always wrestling with how to bring my sexual identity and inherent sensuality
to grips with my beliefs system.

When I was talking with my mom recently about what I look for in a church,
it brought out my viewpoint of spirituality and religious instruction.
Some people need church for socializing, being one with a community...
or to be told what to do...no grey solutions - living in a black and white context.
I get it, I don't knock it.
To me, it shows a need for security and comfort,
and that peace of mind is what the church experience delivers to them.

I'm a different breed.
I want to be challenged.
I want my belief system constantly called into question.
I want a church leader to give me hypotheses or stimulate thinking for me in new ways.
Because I feel like the concept of God and the spirit is much vaster than a boxed-in definition.
So much more beautiful in its challenges than a simple path.

I was walking with my friend Diego yesterday.
And I made the comment: 'I am so much more physical these days.'
Not like I am whoring it out, but more in the sense that I am being driven in a more physical sense.
More attention to my body.
Thankful I have the body I do have.
Wanting to respect it more...

And I guess i takes me back to seeing the Vagina Monologues with Frankie at LMU.
And the epiphany that hit me then, during the performance,
was when a woman made this point that people didn't know you COULD connect your sexuality to your spirituality.

It seemed so profound to me -
the way we like to compartmentalize or operate in silos.
My soul rests over here, untouched.
My carnal self is over here, never touching the spirit, or it taints it...

I want to progress myself and evolve.
And it seems when I allow myself to focus in silos -
this week I am going to be 'good' and go to church...
or this week I am going to indulge in my senses...
things tip and I regress.

I am much more interested in seeing these two facets of my being,
core intrinsics of my self and identity,
come together.
To have two such powerful elements of what defines me,
not operating in unison,
seems counterproductive to me.

gypsyDREAMS

What held me here
What held my heart at bay
What held me close
Pushed me so far, so far away
I look out into this world
And I feel the urge to stray
To wander like a gypsy
To wonder like a child
To uproot and fly
Like a beast in the wild

He gives me gypsy dreams
Makes me want to slip away
He gives me gypsy dreams
Makes staying tight
Feel like I am giving something up
Along the way

He infuses me with wanderlust
Like I can taste his world on my tongue
He makes me dream another language
Where what is said
Feels much warmer when it is sung
It’s adventure in his eyes
And it sets me free
Something about the way he speaks
Speaks to the depths of me
Longing for direction
For passion outside of apathy
For goals larger than
The greatest parts of me
I can not be conservative
When I have the world calling for me
I can not be closed off
To the murmurs of a bolder destiny

He gives me gypsy dreams
Makes me want to slip away
He gives me gypsy dreams
Makes staying tight
Feel like I am giving something up
Along the way

He’s my muse
Because he reconnects me
To my dreams
His tongue is loose
Saying what he feels
Versus what he should mean
Refreshing
Like a simple confession
I get it and grow
Undressing
The layers
That conceal our desires
To explore the worlds we don’t know

resilientPEACE

some people can only take
a scratch
before they allow
themselves to break
into pieces like a puzzle
some people can only take
a pain
in the heart,
in the back,
before they succumb
to the stifling nature
of a muzzle.


if it’s a conundrum
I solve it simply
I am resilient
and I am at peace
with me.

if it’s a gene
if it’s a birth defect
I take it as a gift from heaven
resilience
is my inner strength
and it serves as my lucky seven.

I am at peace
with who god made me.
I am at peace
with my blessing of resiliency.
I am at peace
with the broken paths of humanity.
I am at peace
with the solitude and its divinity.

hold me
and scold me
because I am blessed
praise me
and kiss me
because I passed the tests
that I can not give up
when I have nothing left to go on for
is the sign of god’s hand
more than it is completing life’s chores
I am at peace
with how god made me
I am at peace
with this sweet resiliency
makes me strong
gives experience
to my song
makes the human race
a struggle to which I belong
but more than that
makes light of all of the wrongs.

getANGRY

Fuckit
He just wants to suck it
My luck it
Isn’t love when it happens
With invites to the backseat of his car
Misplaced energy
To the remixes
That drown the mind
In the overcrowded bar

See my face
I’m getting angry
Here
I spent
Six years
To walk away
Steer clear
But your ass
Dropped me
Back here.

Sex and the city
Never felt this shitty
When you got guys
More obsessed
With biting your titty
Than petting your kitty
So quick to go home run
Feels like
Romance cracked out
And got hardcore spun

But see
I smile
I confess
I play along
With all of the tests
Of my patience
And sense of self
I take this anger
And put it on a shelf
Out of place
So I can sit back and watch
And learn
How to get disengaged
From your self
I watch and squirm
Makes me uneasy
To be this man
Makes me angry
That I have to come to understand
What life feels like
Without a holding hand
Taking this shit like its medicine
But it’s like meth
In the grasp of a circuit man
You live
To learn
To understand
Then in a quick flash
Break their hand.

Perversively Pensive

I have a desire to censor myself.
Not expose my dark side or frustrations,
as I fear it will turn people off.
But I have to recognize this media form
as my channel for self-expression...
it's about reclaiming and owning my voice
and using this openness to grow, heal, progress
as an indvidual.

otherMAN

I open myself up
to being the other man
I think
I know how to understand
a desire to get
what you want,
when you can
I sense your guilt
I slap it down with an open hand
let’s not be emo here
its connecting dots
to the ampersand
you & me
I get it
I’m the other man


a different filter
a different way
to map this level of attraction
may feel off kilter
difficult to say
that is why I say shhh
it kills the heat of the passion


it’s not a role
it’s not my soul
it’s a feeling
and I am still
reeling
from the way
your hands felt
last night
it’s outta control
with an end goal
you can’t conceal
and it’s futile
to think this is over,
right?

I’ll be
the other man
I don’t give a damn
I’ve been unfulfilled
so I understand
I’ve traveled
away from my token plan
if I can say
what you need to hear
if I can entice
what you have come to fear
then I will drop
the pretense
and do it here
I’ll be your other man
point taken – I’m just clear.

prettyBAIT

to use your words
to hold me
in confusion
when I like words
to be directed
to a conclusion
does
not make me
salivate
it
makes me
think
I have to wait
like
this is
a pretty game
you create
and
you’re
a pretty boy
who likes to lay bait


playing
with your language
to create a separate space
is so wrong
pretty boy,
I can see the truth in your face
it’s like
forsaking
a sacrament to your tongue
It’s like
holding back
the final note
to our song as it’s sung


I don’t misread
the body language
I don’t misread
your eyes
it’s like I have special glasses
for a boy who likes to run and hide
I can take your bait
and run it over my lips
and just because I taste it
doesn’t mean I won’t let it slip
when the game is
finished
and you’re ready to come clean
I will take you
for what you are
and what you really mean

damagedGOODS

the morning after
always hurts more
than the headache
the memory
of the things said
more appropriate at a wake
than the ending
to a perfect date
like a bull
in a china shop
I seem intent to break
instead of seeing me
they get to see
the extremities of mistakes


I do not want
to hide the cracks
miscommunicate
my vicious attacks
I want my shame
laid out like a scarlet letter
I need it to be present
to make myself better
I’m damaged goods
and I create pain
a gentle spirit
bringing down hell in rain

attractiveENERGY

I think the air
is alive
when you are near
I feel like a god
making the intangible
exhale in fear
fear of what I am putting out
what I am sending out with no hesitation
this is a declaration
unbridled by the elements
this is attraction with intimidation

to give in
to what?
to sin?
I don’t know where to begin
I see no ring on the finger
no child in a crib
I see an opportunity
I would like to let live
I feel the space
between us
like it is skin to skin
it is natural
chemistry
let the experiments begin

my halo
is held up by horns
my spirit
protected by bloody thorns
contradictions
in form and shape
I want to hold
while I am built to escape
the push and the pull
but the ultimate release
I am too attracted
to answer g-rated pleas

let’s cross boundaries
just to see what we cross
let’s feel it because it’s there
and not a moment lost
let’s embrace hedonism
like it is a point of divinity
I have grown intuitive
yet impulsive by your energy

An Outlet For My Soul

Started with the preacher's daughter in high school.
I was the shy guy,
who lacked an ability to step outside of the 'friend' placement,
because I was unable to find a voice.
My voice came from within.
And when I put a pen to paper,
it was like my soul was able to extract itself
from the confined box it physically occupied.
So, yea. Tammy Wetherbee, Preacher's Daughter...
I wrote her a love poem.
And I wrote her so many poems.
In an attempt to woo her. lol
Instead, I found a way to express things
I was unable to process or verbalize.

When I met my first real boyfriend,
it was my poetry that brought us together.
It was the poetry that helped keep us together for so long.
Because it once again became a mechanism
for me to express my deep emotions.

I'd like to think I am more articulate now.
That I am a bit more extroverted
and that I don't have to hide behind words
to convey my heart's desires or actions.

But nonetheless, here I am.
Using a virtual forum like a blog
to be an outlet for my soul.

There was a song from church I used to always sing...
it was about wanting a legacy.
About wanting to be a man you would write about one day.
To be that man,
I have to be heard.
I have to have a voice.
This is pure Richie here.
This is what I am playfully and seriously ('cause that's how I operate)
calling pure RICHness.