( ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER )

( Richie )

I wrote ( TRANSPARENT )...
But it shifted course midway...
In part because it was unusually something I didn’t write in 15 minutes and put away...
But something I came back to, massaged, and looked at differently.

Maybe it’s lame but I was watching Ugly Betty this morning while I woke up...
And she gets stood up by her bf on her birthday...
and the other guy who is into her, comes to her rescue and takes her on a carriage ride.
It’s super-sugary-stuff, but what struck me was the concept behind it...
That the other guy knew her enough to know that a carriage ride would be awesome to her.

And that made me pensive...
The poem was to slack off on a guy who used cheesy lines and crude innuendos as a way to hopefully win my pants down? my heart? lol I don’t know what the end goal would be with that kind of conversational pull...
Anyways, I found the whole interaction amusing, after-the-fact...
And I guess that is the benefit of new experiences, they help mold your outlook in different ways.

I’m not looking for a relationship right now.
I know it. My good friends have heard me say it enough by now - amidst their frustrations at my many different crushes. lol
“Which guy is this? The one who wrote the song? The guy from the gym? The 22 year old?” LOL
What the cartoonish brunch date did teach me though, was that outside of my high testosterone lately and almost-eagerness to play the Loner right now...
I do desire a more inspired connection.

It’s not the demise of my LTR with Frankie that was most offsetting.
I knew I would be fine on my own and that I could rise above all of that.
And I know, at some point, I will fall in love again.
And that I will be stronger and wiser from what I have experienced with him and as a single guy...
What I do miss is that deep companionship.
Of someone you can feel is on your level - intellectually, emotionally, even in a sense - physically...
And that was the true rebuttal of the brunch fiasco.
Not that he wanted to hook up.
Hell, I am so horny lately it’s ridiculous... So I can empathize. lol
No, it was really that it was like pure artificial sweetener being dumped over an entire conversation.
And not only did it make him look lame, make me bored and disturbed, it reduced him in my p.o.v. from someone who was a peer, to someone who was an insecure 32 y.o. man trying desperately to find appeal in saying what he thought I wanted to hear...

( TRANSPARENT )

( Richie )

your lips are moving
and i know
they are flexing
to show me
what you think
i want to hear....
your eyes are searching
crawling
all over my body
fumbling
for a grip
you’re so transparent
it’s clear

you just want to fuck me
you just want to love me
as an idea
and all its fiction
the concept
behind the Southern diction
you just want to own me
i feel like i would disown me
if i gave into
your crude charms
this conversation
sets off fire alarms
panic
this is tannic
wanna wash you from my mouth
and inhale pure air
i think about how you make your moves
and how you think i care

more amusing
than confusing
cuz you’re so transparent
i can make you shrink
by talkin family, being a parent
politics that make u think
i can pull out the tears
i can wax poetic
and shovel shit till you disappear
i’m not into
fire island drivel
your bank account
nuzzling against my ear

i don’t want things
so transparent
that there is
no mystery here
i don’t want simplicity
at the expense
of the complexities
i used to fear
i don’t want cheesy lines
used
because they sound sweet
to an ignorant ear
i want the respect
of my intelligence
brought to the forefront
and not kissing my rear

( FUCK POETRY )

Dedicated to the sun coming out
( richie )

hold my attention
and i am gonna
bite you
hold my ass
and i am gonna
fight you
hold my peen
and i am gonna
like you

i am high
on testosterone
and i
can’t
drive home
in this state
i could never
masturbate
it’d be a shame
to not share
what you just ate
banana
i am goin bananas
for your smooth
skin
i am high
on testosterone
lemme slide on in

fuck protocol
call yourself a boy toy
but you’re no rag doll
you’re strong
and i caught
your scent
str8 up
nothing’s bent
attention
grabbed
by your exposed abs
lay down
so i can
kiss those slabs
of stone
and pure
intoxication
i am here
to grant us both
some emancipation

can i take your arms
control freak
and pin them down by your side
can i take your pecs
and nibble
while i let you ride
the ride
can i forget
the poetry
and fuck
like i understand
machismo dripping
like an IV
into a hotblooded
man
i just want
to be inside you
then i’ll hold your hand
tear up for me
make it all cry
tear up for me
i think you may die
if we don’t do this again
n again
n again
what a fuckin high

( CONTROL )

( Richie )

When you have semiotic markers in your past, that impress on you the feelings of being victimized... And when you subscribe to the musings of astrological signs and happen to be a controlling Virgo... It makes sense that you... ok... that “I” would have difficulty not being in control and could be a bit anal retentive...

The flip side of that, is that I have an insane desire to please not only myself - by being overcompetitive - but others... In the past I have found it difficult to say ‘no.’ Being all psychological, it makes sense for someone who was molested to not be able to find the voice to reject...

A sign of my progress as a human being is that I am finding that voice... I said ‘no’ to a sweet project this past week. Which could have been a nice influx of $$ but it would have taken me out of the beautiful life I am creating and exploring now... In the past I could not stare down an opportunity like this without succumbing to its stressful implications and wreck on my social life... The balancing act between work & play would once again tip into the favor of the profession... And I don’t want that.

The other bit is I seem to be a quasi-man-magnet these days. :P Too many guys to count that I am talking to at the moment. If I prioritized, lol, only two have really caught my attention. One is as slow-moving as a glacier to get to know. And the other, I resist because of his youth - but he continues to floor me with his sensitivity, talent, maturity... yea, and he is crazy hot, too.

All said, what's cool is that I can easily say ‘no’ to a relationship. Even though I am a relationship guy. I kind of know that now is premature to dive back into a LTR. I feel it would compromise my progress to a more real and interesting individual...

And honestly, I think I am a bit of a dope with the whole dating thing. My twenties were all about me and Frankie. And I didn’t really date prior to him. I was a cock tease. lol So like a big chunk of my life as a gay adult were focused on him. In that sense, I feel like I am coming out of a cocoon of sorts. To be so thoughtful and aggressive in going after I want, I also recognize how ‘immature’ in this world I am. I haven’t had multiple guys to compare relationship merits against... Haven’t had the complexity of sexuality or ‘special friends’... So I kinda realize all of this is teaching me stuff. Although I feel a bit at a disadvantage goin after guys my age... Kinda sux. lol

Anyways, I guess this ‘diary entry’ of sorts is just meant to be reflective.
I can’t say at this time last year I was such in a positive state of being. It was rock bottom, actually. Probably one of my lowest moments outside of being kicked out when I was 18. And the contrast between the darkness of last year and the hope and possibilities and strength of the present is that it gives me exceptional optimism for the future...

( MARKED )

Written to Boomkat Runaway
Dedicated to M.N.

(richie)

i don’t
want
to
like
u.

lips part
i cross my heart
un señor, una fe, un dios,
y padre de todos
religion is rarely smart
and with you
i am a willing shark
bite bite
i just bite into this kiss
i think if u left
i’d start to miss
and miss
but i keep telling you
i don’t want this

i want to be
your go-to buddy
pure innocence
not dark n muddy
but i find
i get all lovey-dovey
when you play
music like honey honey

you come
on strong
but i
play along
i have to kiss your lips
friend
i have my front against your hips
friend
i have risen in the occasion
friend
i have no need for imagination
friend
i see it all
i taste it all
i know it all
don’t waste at all
because when the morning comes
and i go home
i still have you playin in my head
like an unforgettable song

and i say
i
don’t
want
to
like
u.

( INTEREST )

You can make more friends in two months by becoming more interested in other people
than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.
--Dale Carnegie

(Richie)

i want to close my lips
like the door to my ego
i like your voice
i want to let you know

you hold my gaze
cuz you got sweet physique
you hold my hand, brother
cuz you’re makin my knees go weak
and it’s strong
fucking potent this attraction
and i get it on
by taking no action
boiling inside
is some harnessed passion
and it’s makin my interest in you
longer lasting

i want to close my lips
like the door to my ego
i like being around you
and i want it to show

you are front and center
and i am a flailing sinner
cuz sometimes i dream naughty
about you and your sexy body
and when i get spiritual n pray
i think back to you earlier today
invasion of my thoughts
is what i have bought
and it’s cool
and i’m a fool
but i’m in it, i’m totally in it now
this is different than how
i go for the boys
battin’ them around like lil toys
new game to try
so fun i could die
i jus wanna take you in
i jus wanna take you in
interested, man, you totally interest me
for once, its fun cuz i cut myself free