no filler.

i don’t need
a fucking filler
to complete this
sentence.


this is not 2007.
this is not me, scavenging for $$ from clients,
forced to feast on mc donalds every night.
this is not me
symbolically painting a nail black
to externalize
the darkness i was in.
or a litany of sad alterna-emo songs
cluttering my playlist
as i walked down 8th ave
feeling like
i could not be any
weaker or broken
as i was then.

yea, this most def is not 2007.
it’s fucking 2008.

days away from my sanctuary vacation
in scottsdale
with tameka and teri...
and then weeks away from
my next bday.
and i feel like i am just running to it.
because there are so many strengths
to your thirties,
to leaving your twenties behind
and accepting them for what they were...
but yea, i know now...
that i have stepped beyond my previous role.

i am no longer the boy.
i am a man.
i am no longer looking for completion.
i complete my fucking self.
i am no longer afraid to intimate.
i will hold his hand.
and his hand.
and his hand.
and kiss his lips.
and his.
and his.
and when the best complement,
complements me.
and vice versa,
then all is cool.
and yea, that brings energy to my life now -
that i never had before.

like, frankie was my one n only.
my first real love.
il mio cuore.
my only bf.
he was my twenties.
and it was so intense,
so profound,
that it extinguished the individual in me.
i succumbed to being a unit.
a we.
no longer a me.
and i think i had to walk on crutches
then crawl
through 2006,
stumble through 2007,
before i could walk tall in 2008.
and now i fucking run.

substance abuser.

(Richie)


substance
abuser
i am
i want
to
abuse
you
you
got
depth
i
fall
down
to
you
and
i
drown
in
your
substance


i
am
not
a
surface dweller
i
just like
clean streets
i
crave
the saltiness
in my sweets
i
am a
virgo
my moon-libra
i am
as complicated
as the stripes
on a zebra
where
there is
simplicity
lies
a well-worn
thought
where
there
is
time
there
is forethought
and
who
i
is
is
who
i
got


make
me
dream
and
question
yea
babe
i
am
your user
peddle
me
some substance
make
me
an abuser