wallflower.

(richie)

i am not going to waste my energy
on being visible for you
i am going to make you have to seek me
intuitive - sans clue

i was the hunter
an alpha wolf
a puma on speed
i was hungry
to taste love
and feed feed feed
but i rescind
and i decide
i just want to leave
because i was
in front of you
and you still didn’t see

i have
too much power
to stand by
and be
your fucking
wallflower
pining
and shining
when i get
your attention
holding
and holding
your smile
like water
retention
i have
no more
ninth hour
i step out
no longer
your fucking
wallflower

geometry.

( Richie )


when i was a kid,
i rocked calculus and ap chemistry
but geometry existed
just to fuck with me
i went from str8 ‘A’
to my first ever ‘C’
and i found myself questioning
the stability of my intellectual virility
i found myself asking
what the fuck is wrong with me?
how could i entertain
any pleasure at the upcoming math bee?
when in my head
i knew they would be seeing me
for me...
the dude who couldn’t grasp
the principles of geometry?

as a man, when the text isn’t returned
or the call lapses
and i go a weekend without his voice
when i succumb
to the inadequacies
that make me think he got a better choice
i think
what the fuck
is wrong with me
i feel
in that moment
all of those insecurities

and it could be
he had to get his hair did
or he hurt his leg
running at the gym
and it could be
he lost his iphone
would suck to be him
i think these thoughts
and let them swim
there is beauty
in excuses - especially when more grim
but all i know:
here i is - without him

i think i realized
dating
was becoming geometry 201
and all the
challenges
were problematic and not fun
i am a grown man
this is not a high school re-run
and yet
fuck
i want him so bad
that i came undone

i feel like SNL skits
should play in the background
if u saw me in the mirror
my lips moving without sound
i wouldn’t be saying:
‘i want a fig newton’
i’d be saying the psycho-babble shit
we all grew up on
‘i love me’
‘i a good guy’
‘he be so lucky if he got me mmm hmmm’
and i’d squint my eyes
and look all serious
and stoic
and i may tear up
and catch a choke
cuz the phone ain’t vibrating
on my coffee table
and talkin to yourself all pep
is a bit unstable
it feels so disney channel
awww the things we learned from cable
how to lean into misery
to be lifted up like a cinderfella fable

i wish i could have
walked away from geometry
and not let it fuck with my confidence
i wish i could have
done things a lot differently
but i don’t want to live life in a past tense
when i have that self indugent need
to stare into the mirror and chat nonsense
i want to channel it
and make it into something that has pretense
and elitism
and strength
and power
i want it
to be a right angle
slicing through a flower

i don’t want a pussy boy
and i don’t have a mangina
to let his effect
turn me into a chronic whiner
makes me want to fight club
and brawl out with a shiner
tough it up
slurp it up
cough it up
rough it up
i’d rather fail geometry
than let it fail me
time to own up
and pull a 360
ain’t no man
going to get the best of me
and make me piss on it
like its a piece of debris

( SLUT 4 U: UNDRESSED )

( richie )

to think that companionship is the only ingredient i need in a ‘partner’ is a fallacy...
like water for chocolate... i need to want to jump that guy...
i need to have to practice restraint to not scope his ass...
to have him invade my dreams where i tried to velvet rope him off...

i am an elitist...
and yet a socialist...
an apparent contradiction, but it works for me.
i do live on a pedestal... that i create for myself, or that peers place me on...
and i would rather sit up high, than chill on the lower rung of the bleachers...

but through experience...
i know that my best, defining moments have come from rock bottom...
when all hope is expunged, and i am face deep in mud...

and that concept, as well, as the idea for sexuality to be a vibrant component of a real relationship...
caused to me to write slut 4 u.

ironically, i think it’s one of my favorite poems...
it was borne out of a conversation with drew... just a wicked headline...
i could see a song written outta that title.
and then i fused together all of my current crushes and the past relationship experience...
for some kind of narrative...

essentially, who i am into next...
will have to break me...
i am always the man.
i lead.
i know what i want, i pursue...
i always drive by intuition...
and i want someone to flip it...
i crave versatility...
and that implies that i need to be bitched out...
that i need to be humbled...
and i find that challenge intoxicating...

i find it equally poignant...
that as i grow more self-assured...
as i say ‘fuck it’ to everything that seems like bullshit or going-thru-the-motions scenarios...
that i also have the strength to say -
hey, man, i am so into you...
that i want you to make me your slut.

hahahahahahaha

old richie would never have crossed this line.
old richie would not have even played with the concept.
now i want to do more than flirt with it...
i want someone who can hold my attention
to actualize it...

( SLUT 4 U )

( Richie )

i would
be
a
slut
4 u.

i know
you got
a lot more to offer
than
a fine ass...
i know
you got
a complex edge
that puts
this attraction
to task.
but i divulge
and i want
u
to know...
i am always
the man
but with u
make me ur
ho.

make me
crash
into you
so
i can
feel your body
against mine
hard pressed...
make me
rash
impulsive
and hungry
for you
undressed -
to the point
i am
obsessed...
that hold
is magnetic
and
pulls me
to the floor
when i
fall 4 u
it’s heavy
like the diary
of a
well-serviced
whore.

i have
been on
pedestals
now
i want to
ride
your pole...
i have
been
a saint
now
i attempt
to banish
my soul.
you
inspire
my sensual
edge
and i wanna
run over...
there
is strength
in submission
to the whims
of a
lover.

i can do
things
4 u
i can be
what
u create
i can take
my angel
‘n’
lock her
in a crate
i can do
things
4 u
and only
4 u
i want
to be
ur slut
‘n’ be
creative
4 u

it will
be
when u
r as weak
4 me
that i
will be best
and
my experience
as your
bitch
will put
any notions
of degradation
to rest
because
ascension
is in facing
the condescension
head on
and the
way to
my heart
is to break
me
and
get our bed on